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Miss Conduct’s advice on unwelcome guests and nosy clerks

Miss Conduct

THIS STORY APPEARED IN

February 19, 2012|By Robin Abrahams

(ILLUSTRATION BY NATHALIE…)

> My mother, widowed five years, is dating a man who makes rude comments at family gatherings, including lewd things to my mother in front of my young children. He clearly does not want to participate in our celebrations, but my mother brings him along. How can I tactfully suggest she leave him behind – or do I need to have a conversation with her and risk not having her involved in future events.

J.C. / Beverly

Talk to your mother about her beau’s behavior. She is probably aware that her Ungentlemanly Caller is not adhering to family norms of courtesy. Don’t start off by asking her to leave him home. Instead, ask whether she can have a word with him about not using adult humor when children – including her own adult children, who are owed some degree of discretion – are in the room. You might also mention that he has seemed uncomfortable at family gatherings in the past.

This confident advice, J.C., is built on a deep foundation of “it depends.” Before you approach your mother, think about the following questions: What kind of relationship do the two of you have: Are you supportive or critical, close or distant? How old is your mother and what kind of emotional and cognitive shape is she in? Are family visits special occasions or relatively frequent and informal? What does the future hold for your mother and her beau, as far as you know? Are you concerned about other aspects of his behavior, or does he seem like a decent sort? What do your other relatives think of the situation, and how would they like it handled? Think through exactly what you want to accomplish, and how and why, before you open up the conversation.

With luck, your mother might decide on her own that she will come unescorted in the future. Without luck, you might discover that she finds the Ungentlemanly Caller’s sense of humor delightfully risque, in which case you get to deliver the news that you’ll be playing “bad cop” at future events.

> I’m at the drugstore picking out a very special greeting card for a very special person. The cashier turns it right side up and proceeds to read it. I tell her she has no business doing that. Am I being too sensitive?

F.H. / Natick