You can imagine how the ball got rolling on “This Means War.’’ You can also imagine how the folks who rolled the ball started to lose their minds. What if a woman was dating two guys? What if the two guys were friends? What if the friends were also co-workers? What if the co-workers were CIA spies? What if the spies started doing their work on each other? What if that work culminated with combat at a Los Angeles restaurant while the woman is talking to herself in the ladies room only to return to an obliterated dining room? What if she stood amid all the smoking destruction and was upset only that the two lovers/friends/spies lied to her? What if the case the spies had been working on, were then fired from, and then put back on had blasted its way into the romance plot? What if people paid to see this?!
This Means War
“This Means War’’ is a romantic comedy whose DNA consists of other movies, television action shows, sitcoms, and comic strips. It’s got both a soap opera plotline and a Chuck Norris-load of taxpayer-financed gadgets and gear. It also has Reese Witherspoon in another terrible part. Chris Pine and Tom Hardy play the dates, and anything even passably fun that happens here happens between them - the banter, the arguments, the hurt feelings, the time in close quarters, the declarations of fidelity, betrayal, and love. Part of the deal with Witherspoon’s character, Lauren, is that neither man can sleep with her until she’s made her final choice, which means, once again, sexual chastity is a greater movie virtue than civility on the highways and in the restaurants of Los Angeles. You can blow up the world but, for the love of June Carter Cash, don’t touch Reese Witherspoon.
Pine is tall, boldly coiffed, and cocky. Hardy, who’s English, is compact, tattooed, and sensitive. They both have nice chests and sofa cushions for lips. They’re such good foils for each other that it takes only the opening action sequence to realize that, once she arrives, Witherspoon will be as much of a gadget as all the tranquilizer darts and flying drones.