Response to "Reluctant Bridesmaid"

February 10, 2012|Robin Abrahams, Globe Staff

Monday’s question was an unusually black-and-white one, from a young woman who no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. Your advice broke down thus:

Do it: 16 votes

Back out: 9 votes

Either/It depends: 4 votes

I am strongly in the “stay in the wedding” camp, myself. Let’s assume that the LW’s discomfort is merely that, social awkwardness, and not that the wedding activities are putting her under serious financial and moral strain. (She bought the dress already! Who backs out of bridesmaiding after buying the dress?) Sometimes we go ahead and do what we said we were going to do in order because that’s what grownups do, whether we want to or not. And there are often unexpected compensations. The LW might not care much for her fellow bridesmaids, but she hasn’t met the groomsmen yet. There might be prospects.

Most folks who voted for dropping out, or “either/it depends,” did so on the grounds that the bride, too, might prefer it if the LW resigned. AmazonPlanet wrote:

Just maybe your friend is secretly wishing she hadn’t asked you to be a bridesmaid but is living with her decision. Two years ago is a long time from engagement to wedding plans to the final day. You have to choices; talk to her about your feelings and give her enough time to choose another, and no offense, more suitable person to substitute or as you have already have a financial investment, own up to the obligation and say nothing. If you have the talk you need only tell her that you feel the friendship isn’t what it was 2 years ago and that perhaps there is someone she could have asked in your place. This gives the bride-to-be a rare do over. Most important thing to consider is that if you don’t get along with the other bridesmaids, I’m sure it isn’t lost on the wedding party. You would be doing everyone including yourself a favor by bowing out gracefully. Be prepared to lose this person as a friend but it sounds to me like that is where this is all headed and you are fine with the consequences.

And plksmcz described the bride’s-eye view:

I was the bride in a very similar situation and had a bridesmaid drop out of my wedding. I was happy that she had the courage to say that she wasn’t comfortable. I was not upset and replaced her with someone I had become close to after my wedding party had been decided. I am not friends with the original bridesmaid anymore but that isnt because she dropped out of he wedding. It’s just because we went our separate ways.

The final answer, I think, is that it is not about the LW. If this is merely her discomfort, she needs to go through with it. If she is picking up bride vibes, it might be kind to back out.

A final point: No wedding is perfect. It is not going to spoil the bride’s day if the LW backs out, and it will not spoil her day if one of her bridesmaids is less than a lifelong sister-from-another-mother. No wedding has everyone you want there and no one you don’t. Heck, even the weddings that come closest to that goal aren’t perfect, because brides and grooms don’t get to spend quality time with every guest they want to.