It will be a courtesy to let your friend know what the tenor of the ceremony will be, and I bet it won’t dissuade – or surprise – her. After all, wouldn’t you participate in the wedding of a friend who was from a different religious tradition?
People love to excoriate wedding excesses and the narcissism of alleged “bridezillas.” Occasionally, though, one encounters a bride like you, who needs to be reminded that the whole thing is, in fact, all about her. Your ceremony is about you and your spouse and your mutual relationship with God. Those who attend and participate in your wedding are celebrating those relationships with you, but not sharing in them. Your bridesmaids need no more share your faith than they need share your enthusiasm for your fiance’s dimpled chin.
Now, show as much concern for your bridesmaids’ time, money, and complexions as you have for their spiritual sensitivities, and you are a front-runner for the Most Considerate Bride of 2012!
> Each week, I host a number of women for a book group. Tardiness is the norm, not the exception. I have discussed this problem with the group, but it continues. What do you suggest I do?
M.H. / Hull
You are already doing the most effective thing, which is hosting. At least you can compulsively check your watch in the comfort of your own home, instead of at a restaurant or coffee shop, awkwardly spreading your coat and book bags as far and wide as possible to signify the taken-ness of seats, offering increasingly desperate assurances that yes, the rest of your party will be along ever so soon.
How did those earlier discussions go? Does everyone else see the tardiness as a problem to be solved? If so, what needs to be changed? Does the meeting time work for everyone? If you share a meal, should the group decide that it’s OK to pick up individual dinners and eat at the meeting? Are there some folks whose schedules or commutes mean that they will always be late, so let’s accept it and assign them to bring dessert?
I suspect that while the women may have acted as if they want to fix the lateness problem, deep down they see it as a delightful feature of a laid-back evening. Which means you might do best to change to an open-house approach. For example, don’t wait until everyone has arrived to begin the discussion. Instead of answering the bell, leave the door unlocked and let folks show themselves in and get their own refreshments. Call one or two ladies whom you are close to and who have the least problem with tardiness, and ask them especially to join you “early” for a glass of wine and gossip before the rest of the gang gets there. Kick everyone out at a reasonable hour, if you have to (a prerogative hosts have but often fail to realize).
There is returning rudeness with rudeness, which is bad. And then there is realizing that other people have different standards than you do and adjusting accordingly, which is both logical and kind.
