You all brought it, I mean Brought It, on Monday's question. Really, anyone who is interested in the ethics and etiquette of social media and OPI (Other People's Images) should check out Monday's thread. Some of the best responses are too long to post here in their entirety.
The general take is that the mother should stop posting pictures and news of her pregnant daughter on Facebook, because the daughter wants her to, and it is after all her body and her news. However, given that there is no easy engineering fix for this problem, the LW is going to have to confront her mother about it. Teamjackie wrote:
This is about control, and I have had this problem myself. You should be able to make these choices yourself and have your wishes respected. I wanted to limit the number of photos of my kids on Facebook because I knew my own user settings but not everyone else's. LW should approach her mother in a stern way and express her frustration and set limitations. I would be afraid of her mother's behavior regarding the photos because if she doesn't respect her wishes with the photos, then you know she'll have no problem ditching all of the other rules set for the new baby... Nip this one in the bud and stand your ground!
This last point is absolutely crucial, and I think it ought to inform the LW's entire approach to her mother's promiscuous Facebooking. Does Mom not quite understand technology? Does she always invade the daughter's privacy? How involved is she going to be in her grandchild's life? ... And so on.
Only the LW knows the answers to these questions. But the way you'd approach an overbearing, critical mother who lives half a continent away is different from the way you'd approach someone sweet but not that social-media savvy, whom you are hoping will babysit for you a couple of nights a month.
I thought Dandibear had an excellent point:
Your mother may feel that this really is her information to share, not just yours, because we're talking about her grandbaby. It's still wrong for her to ignore your requests to keep information private, but you may have more luck making those requests if you acknowledge that her proprietary feelings about this pregnancy are valid. Her excitement is a good thing, and is just being channeled badly. Maybe it would help if you promise her that she'll get first dibs on sharing news and photos once you're ready for them to be shared? Only you can make that call.
... as did colakoala:
Good luck, LW. But fight hard for what you want: after all, if anyone gets shocked by your vehemence about this you can always blame it on pregnancy hormones later. :) But seriously, this is a perfect time to redraw the boundary lines between you and your parents. Things change when you reproduce: suddenly, you are the center of the family and they aren't, and this means you have a lot more power.
Right. I hate to be coldly Machiavellian, but if the LW's mother really is an overbearing boundary-pusher, the LW now has an extraordinarily valuable resource to which she can limit her mother's access. Grandbabies are emotional crack! When you get a kid, you get serious leverage over your parents. Use if it you have to. And I want to give JoGeek the final word, because of the amazing closing line:
The boundaries problem is clear; your mother isn't respecting your wishes when it comes to your private information and images. You have asked her to stop. The next step is to make sure she understands clearly why you want her to stop, and set clear, enforcable consequences if she does not. Don't threaten to do anything you're not willing to follow through on. A lot of the other posters have offered good suggestions. I would say something along the lines of: "Mom, I've told you before that your sharing personal information and photos of me on Facebook makes me very uncomfortable, and I want you to stop. If you are willing to remove the photos of me and my body parts from your account, and stop sharing things about me without my permission, I will be happy to (allow you to be at the hospital during the birth, send you photos of the newborn, etc.). If not, then I will no longer be sharing personal information and photos of myself or my child." That's a clear line.
She will protest, think you're being irrational, and maybe even be hurt. People who can't get what they want tend to react that way, even if what they want is unreasonable. But this is about your comfort and boundaries during a time when you're probably feeling extremely vulnerable. Our culture has a mistaken impression that a pregnant woman's body is public property, and you're fighting against that assumption. I think it's a good battle to choose. (Emphasis mine.)
Brilliant, JoGeek. Have a great weekend, everyone!
