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Advice on freeloading relatives and serial sneeze blessers

Miss Conduct

THIS STORY APPEARED IN

January 29, 2012|By Robin Abrahams

(Illustration by Nathalie…)

> My boyfriend, our young daughter, and I recently moved into a new apartment together. My boyfriend has been inviting his younger brother over multiple times per week without consulting me. He usually stays five hours or more, and my boyfriend always cooks large meals for them to share. His brother is often there when I get home from work at night, on weekends when I am trying to take a much-needed nap, and when I am trying to study for major exams. Would it be rude of me to request that my boyfriend ask me before he invites a guest into our home?

B.C. / Boston

B.C., it’s not rude to request anything of your partner. That is why this person is your partner. Alternately, it’s rude to ask your partner to pass the salt, if you do it in that particular way.

So open up a conversation, already. You and your boyfriend are already coping with an immense schedule – work, school, and child-raising. You need to be able to prioritize and express your needs to each other. If one of your needs is some quiet time at the end of the day, or knowing that your Saturdays will be spent with only each other, tell him. These are reasonable things to ask for. Find out, also, what he needs from you. Your boyfriend may be finding himself lonely in the place, what with your long work-and-study hours. Or perhaps he’s still living a version of his bachelor life and hasn’t quite grasped that certain habits ought to change.

And do keep in mind that long visits from family are not like short visits from friends. You should be friendly when the brother comes over, but you don’t have to play hostess the entire time, and I doubt either of them expect you to or even want you to. Go ahead and take that nap or study for those exams. Daddy and Uncle Freeloader can entertain the kid (perhaps by involving her in cooking those huge meals you refer to, thus teaching her valuable skills) while you get some rest or studying done. You can look at Uncle Freeloader as a burden, in other words, or you can look at him as a fabulous modern convenience who provides you with sorely needed “alone time” in your own home.

> A well-meaning co-worker hollers “God bless you!” whenever anyone sneezes. Those of us with colds or allergies tend to sneeze several times in a row, which prompts a series of noisy blessings. Is there a polite way to persuade him to tone it down without our coming across as mean-spirited jerks?

M.S. / Foxborough