I loved Monday's question from LWs who, some three years after having neighbors for dinner, are still coping with floods of apologies for not having returned the invitation. Many commenters pointed out that the non-reciprocating neighbors probably didn't want to reciprocate. fastenyourseatbelts suggested:
My guess is these people are not actually apologizing for not returning the favor, but rather apologizing for the secret reason why they have not returned the favor. Could be they are secret slobs or hoarders or struggling financially or Grandma sleeps on the sofa . . . Who knows?
And Jim-in-Littleton suggested it was lack of conversational facility, not hosting capacity:
I'd have to wonder if it isn't guilt at all. Maybe they just can't think of anything else to say? I mean, they spent an evening in your home so when you bump into each other they have to say something but... what? It sounds like maybe this apology is all they have.
We'll never know, will we?
Ash offered some good advice no matter what the truth of the situation is:
A part of me thinks that you are sort of feeling guilty that they are feeling guilty. I would lean toward just accepting that this is going to be their opening line, let them know it doesn't matter as soon as they open their mouths and immediately change the subject. You don't have to feel bad that they feel bad and don't know how to resolve their feelings. Did you know Talmud says you only have to apologize 3 times and if its not accepted, you are off the hook. Otherwise, 2 things come to mind:
1. Use a somewhat humorous response "Really Joe, Susie, do you know its been 3 years? I think you can stop apologizing now. What do you think of the Pats-Ravens matchup?
2. Put them on the spot and say you are free next Saturday. Say you remember from past discussions that its hard for them to entertain at home, so maybe you can meet at the local watering hole. That may start another round of apologies OR they may see it as an opportunity to pick up your bar bill and call it a day.
And I really liked Kestrell's advice/analysis, which takes the question to a higher level of abstraction:
This is a reminder about how important social reciprocity is to humans. Sometimes we don't even want to accept favors (e.g., a ride home from an event rather than taking mass transit, or borrowing a food item from a neighbor, because we anticipate the cost of having to remember a favor owed and having to pay it off. That is -- the cost isn't just the obligation of paying back, but it is maintaining a database of what is owed to whom. Just easier not to accept favors.
So: I try to remind myself: just accept a favor and don't worry about paying it off, but to act generously when I can. Because if we worry about the balance sheet, we may cut ourselves off from some social interactions.
