The spirit of giving?

Anonymous / Medford

I once saw the magician Ricky Jay throw a playing card into a watermelon. Not into a hollowed-out melon, as if he were tossing tissue into a wastebasket – he stood some 20 feet away, concentrated mightily, and threw an ordinary cardboard playing card into an uncut watermelon. The card sunk in as if it were a bowie knife.

 It’s an impressive accomplishment, with no sleight of hand involved, just strength and will and practice. Ricky Jay can turn almost any card into an edged weapon, and I bet your cow-in-law (your word!) would love to be able to pull off the same trick. She wants to hurt you with a gift card and a pen, and the best she can do is “Enjoy the holiday sales at Sephora! Lord knows you need it”? Give her the complete DVD set of 24 next year, or perhaps the Saw films. Imagine the look of childlike wonder on her face as the true pain-causing potential of office supplies is revealed to her.

I hope you’re laughing by now, at least a little. Partially in recompense for how hard you made me laugh with your delightfully mixed metaphor – wouldn’t The Ungloved Cow be a wonderful name for a British pub? – but mostly because when we mock bullies, we take our power back from them.

 You need to get your power back, pronto, and only you know how to do that. Maybe you continue to ignore her attacks – I’m assuming that’s what you mean by “taking the high road.” Maybe you call her out on her behavior, in the moment (not afterward, because that will only delight her with the knowledge that her barb continued to torment you long after it was sunk). Maybe the next time she picks a fight, you give her one. But play the game by your rules, not hers. You get to decide whether her behavior is abuse that should be defied or an irritation to be laughed at and swatted away. If 2011 taught us anything, it’s that despots can be taken down in many ways.

As for what I’d do with that gift card‚ I’d probably donate it, in my mother-in-law’s name, to an organization that is just a little outside her sociopolitical comfort zone. Just a wee bit. And I’d make sure they have her address to send her a thank you.

 But I’m no Ricky Jay.

> I’m an American living in the United Kingdom. I was recently invited to a wedding for my boyfriend’s good friend. My boyfriend was invited to the ceremony, dinner, and evening reception (no food, cash bar); I was invited only to the reception. The venue was out in the country, so my boyfriend’s brother had to drive me an hour each way. Is it appropriate to split up a couple this way (we weren’t the only ones)?  

K.M. / Birkenhead, England

How amazingly cheap, tacky, and inconsiderate! I’m hesitant to tell you that, because you will presumably have to continue socializing with this couple, and it would have been easier if you could have attributed their atrocious judgment to cultural difference. But I’d be maligning a nation of good people if I told you this was a British thing.