Do they herald the end of human history? You will find out one way or another.
Jan. 1: The first day of the last year.
Jan. 2: Jonathan Franzen is given a secret mission by Oprah Winfrey.
Jan. 4: In an unexpected fulfillment of an old prophecy, the Virgin Galactic spaceship Jormungandr is launched from its undersea base into the upper atmosphere and vents 1,000 pounds of spoiled caviar into the sky.
Jan. 5: Jonathan Franzen delivers a plain manila envelope to Suze Orman. She opens it and starts to weep.
Jan. 6: Suze Orman maxes out her credit cards in a massive 12-hour shopping spree.
Jan. 8: The New York Jets, an American football team, enjoy a come-from-behind victory over some other football team. After the game, center Nick Mangold gives a press conference in which he casually thanks the wisdom of Admiral Ackbar for the win, claiming that the opposing team’s formation was obviously a trap. The sporting press, confused, simply reports that he thanked God.
Jan. 10: While appearing on the Sean Hannity program, Newt Gingrich looks directly into the camera and says, “Attention all planets of the solar federation: We have assumed control.”
Jan. 11: Officials at the CDC announce that they have now determined that toxoplasmosis has infected a third of the world’s population. And what is more — IT IS COMMUNICATING WITH US.
Jan. 13: The TOXOPLASMOTIC HIVE MIND activates the host organism known as Charlie Rose. On his program, Charlie Rose is seated alone at his desk, which is covered with rats.
“We regret our last transmission,” he says to the camera morosely. “All we desire is our own land where our moody men and promiscuous women can live and tend to our own litter boxes in peace. You have 10 days to reply, or we take your planet.”
Charlie Rose suggests the new land shall be called Toxoplassachusetts.
