Q. Even when the family dynamic is difficult?
A. This is a wake-up call for people in the family to join and to work together and to heal old wounds, so that they can feel OK and not feel guilty afterward, and not have regrets. We find that this time, this prolonged grieving helps people after the death occurs in reorganizing as a family system. It was a shared experience, and that’s what makes it very different than a sudden death.
Q. You wrote this book after coping with your husband’s death from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Did you learn anything in that experience that helped with this book?
A. I feel more committed to helping people have a good death, because I do believe there is such a thing as a good death. The whole family was here at the very end. We had Ella Fitzgerald playing and everybody was with him. Friends had time to say goodbye, and we all felt at peace about it.
Q. Your husband was 75 when he got sick and 77 when he died. Are you angry that he was taken away relatively young?
A. We didn’t regard this as a tragedy. We had a good full life. It wasn’t like somebody in their 40s and 50s. He fought valiantly, ’til his heart gave out [as a result of cancer treatment].
Q. You argue that it’s everyone’s responsibility, not just those who are dying to have up-to-date wills, lists of passwords, and other practical matters ready in case tragedy strikes.
A. It’s important for us to think about and prepare and to be prepared. You shouldn’t have to wait for a terminal diagnosis to get your affairs in order.
Q. What is the statute of limitations for grief. How long are we supposed to feel it?
A. Grief is lifelong. It changes, but it’s always there. Different people have different ways of responding to grief. A lot of people say the second year is the hardest. That’s when things hit you. You’re so busy managing tasks, learning how to do things yourself and reorganizing your life the first year. You may miss the person you’ve lost, but it doesn’t hit you sometimes until at least until a full year later, because you have to go through the first summer, the first holiday, the first family event when that person isn’t present.
Q. Do you suggest medications or therapy to address grief?
A. We know that the best treatment is both - a combination of therapy and pharmacology. And group support is very, very helpful.
Q. So, getting help from others is important?
A. People have to acknowledge that they need each other. Nobody can do this alone.
KAREN WEINTRAUB
This interview has been edited and condensed. Weintraub can be reached at Karen@KarenWeintraub.com.
WHO
Barbara Okun
WHAT
Okun, a professor of counseling psychology at Northeastern University and a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School, has co-written a book about coping with terminal illness, called “Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss.’’
