Q. I have been with, you guessed it, “Rob’’ for three years, I have lived with him for almost 3 years. Things moved incredibly fast, that much I’m aware of. Rob is 32 and I’m 23. The age difference has never been an issue until recently. I’m feeling as though I have too many things I want to experience before I settle down and really commit to someone like he wants me to. He has been talking about marriage for about two years now and it’s kind of a scary thought to me. Rob is a great guy. He fulfills a lot of the things I need in a relationship. We’ve had our problems but they have nothing to do with why I’m looking for advice.
The young and the restless
LOVE LETTERS
He’s 32 and ready to get hitched. She’s 23 and wondering if it’s the right time.
I’m very young. I don’t always make the best decisions and I know I’ve got a lot to learn. The point of all of this is, I know I’m not ready, but I care about him very much.
Can you shed some light on how you’re supposed to decide between throwing away a great man and a good relationship so that you can live your life and be ready for settling down when the time comes - or whether you’re supposed to stay with someone who cares very deeply for you even though you might be stuck wondering whether there is something more suitable for you than just a nice guy?
WHERE TO GO, Boston
A. You have to fly free, little bird. Your boyfriend was talking about marriage when you were just 21? He should know better. He probably wasn’t ready for that kind of thing until he met you when he was in his 30s, right? It’s time to tell him that marriage won’t be on your mind for a long time - maybe years.
Your letter doesn’t say, by the way, that you’re madly in love with Rob and confused because of your age. You call him “great’’ and “nice,’’ not “the guy I know I want to marry, just not now.’’ Even if he wasn’t talking about marriage, you’d be having doubts.
Come clean about where you are in your head. Make it clear to Rob that you’re not on his track - not now, and maybe not ever. He might make this decision for you.
I know that the thought of being alone is scary, but isn’t the commitment scarier? You asked how you’re supposed to give him up. My answer: by trusting yourself and leaning on your friends. You’re 23 and you’ve got lessons to learn, but you know what feels right. Believe in that.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND
The key to this story isn’t you as the 23 year old, it’s your 32 year old boyfriend trying to marry someone that young. It is ludicrous and it makes me wonder about his capacities. Believe me, this will make a world of sense when you reach 30, and you will look back at him fondly yet feel a sense of relief for moving on. There are plenty of guys out there at your own age experiencing life at your pace. Go enjoy life and become well rounded, not grounded.
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