Is there hope for a second chance?

LOVE LETTERS

She worries that getting back with her ex is doomed to fail

August 06, 2011|By Meredith Goldstein, Globe Staff

Q. My fiance and I just called off our wedding, and I don’t know if I should stay with him.

Background: I am a mid-20s professional working in Boston. He’s in his early 30s and was in the military. We’ve been together for over five years. We’ve been through a lot together including long distance. He’s the first person I’ve dated that I really thought I could marry.

We started having problems a few months ago when we moved in together. Once a loving, affectionate person, he became distant and cold. We didn’t talk much (unless we were arguing), and all of a sudden I felt like I didn’t know this person I’ve been with for so long. I tried many times to talk about what was bothering him, but we never really got anywhere. We both realized there was a problem but didn’t know what to do. I suggested counseling, and we started going.

Finally he tells me that he’s unsure about getting married. He’s afraid that things will continue the way they’ve been for the last few months and we’ll end up getting divorced. (Honestly, I’ve had the same nagging fear but truly believed that we could work through this tough time together.) He says it’s not me but his own fears that are causing him to feel this way. After a lot of talking, we both decided that we should not get married this fall like we had planned. Of course I’m devastated, but I’m also relieved that this has come out now rather than later.

I stayed for a while and we tried to work on things, but I ended up moving out of our house. He had become really resistant in counseling and didn’t want to try any of the things the counselor suggested. I felt like he had completely given up on us. I was so frustrated that I had to take myself out of the situation, even though it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I am still in need of help though, because now he’s decided he wants to work it out. He has completely changed his tune, saying that it was a huge mistake to let me go and he’ll do anything to fix it. I really do love him, but is it healthy for me to stay with him? Or should I try to move on with my life? It’s true that I’ve been unhappy for the past few months, even miserable at times, but for years we were smitten together. Is it possible for us to ever get back there again?

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO, Massachusetts

A. It’s not possible to go back to where you were, but it is possible to evolve into something more honest.