He is a great husband and father. He has a great career and has been extremely supportive of my career. He pitches in around the house and is as adoring today as he was when we met.
Things are more challenging for me. I ignored any feelings I had for women for years. After all, I was a married woman, and it doesn’t matter the gender because I made a vow to my husband. The problem is that something inside me is changing. I just don’t find my husband attractive any more. I want to, but I really don’t. I notice women everywhere. I feel silly writing this, but I buy lesbian fiction and hide the books from my husband. I’m always extra friendly around gay women, thinking one of them will certainly notice that even though I’m not wearing the uniform that I’m part of the team. At night when I close my eyes I see women’s bodies. It’s driving me crazy and driving a wedge in my amazing marriage.
Anything I say to my husband is going to make him feel inadequate or bad. I realize he’s not the problem; I am. I’ve tried to tamp down this overwhelming desire for women, but sometimes it’s all I can think about. I should note that I’ve never cheated on him.
I keep telling myself that I have to control myself. I made my choice back when I was 22, but it’s hard to understand the consequences of the life choices we make when we are young.
So, wise Meredith, how am I supposed to handle this? I’m afraid I will meet the right (or wrong!) woman and end up cheating. I’m also afraid I’ll never meet the right woman and spend my life with this unrequited longing.
CONFUSED IN THE SUBURBS, Suburban Boston
A. You were physically attracted to your husband for a long time. That’s excellent - and very, very important.
The fact that you were attracted to him for years means that you’re probably experiencing what many people deal with after 20 years of marriage: bedroom boredom. Fantasies about other people. FOMO (fear of missing out). Midlife questions (let’s not call it a crisis).
