Q. I am occasionally dating a guy, “Matt,’’ who is well-rounded, intelligent, ambitious, and caring. We are both in our early 30s. He is family-oriented and takes care of the people around him. He has been patiently pursuing me for quite a long time. He lives in a different city but he makes a point to come here to see me. Nothing hot and heavy yet, which is fine because I wanted to take it slow to understand if I really liked him just as a friend or as something more. We haven’t progressed to a relationship partly because we live in different cities, but mostly because of my lingering doubts about a few issues.
Are white lies a red flag?
LOVE LETTERS
Nice guy’s ‘working the system’ may be a deal-breaker for her
Matt is a great guy but has the tendency to push the boundaries as far as he can. He is fairly materialistic and success-oriented. He has told me a few anecdotes where he has told “white lies’’ or has omitted information in order to achieve a better status or situation. He does not do so in any way that would hurt another person, but to “work the system.’’ As he says, it is a dog-eat-dog world sometimes and to get ahead you can’t comply with every bureaucratic rule. And this approach is probably what makes him successful by a traditional definition. He is willing to take those small “harmless’’ risks.
After 30 years, I have come to realize that it is not my place to judge him, but rather to understand what I’m comfortable surrounding myself with. I am very risk averse. Not that I always follow every rule or never tell a white lie, but I tend to minimize the potential that something could go wrong, particularly for important things like my job or my house. I’ll lie and tell you that your outfit is cute or dinner was great, but don’t like to fib on a signed document. I’d rather be conservative and live moderately than live the high life and wonder if a negative consequence could pop up. I realize this trait makes me less fun-loving at times and I miss out on some opportunities in life.
This is the one issue with Matt that I’m trying to reconcile. Do you think I am making way too much out of the issue? My more adventurous friends find his white lies “funny’’ and my more strait-laced friends see it as a red flag.
He once jokingly told me that one of the reasons he likes me is because I am so grounded and that I am like his conscience. Shouldn’t he have his own conscience?
LITTLE WHITE LIES, Boston
A. This is a big yellow flag. You have to trust your gut, and your gut doesn’t like how this guy makes important decisions.
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