I am invited to a 90th birthday buffet where I will know only the honoree. I am accompanying her to the party and back – about eight hours, all told, which is longer than I usually go without a cigarette. Since I have never smoked around my friend, would it be rude to ask the hostess if I can go outside for a cigarette after lunch? I am worried and thinking of excuses not to attend.
H.M. / London, England
Relax, H.M., you’re being a very polite smoker. If anyone is rude to you, the shame is theirs, not yours. Not everyone gets to have a 90th birthday, and you mustn’t let the fear of a sanctimonious comment keep you from celebrating with your friend.
You are an addict, and you are handling your addiction responsibly by acknowledging its existence and by planning to get your fix without disturbing others. (You are doing your fellow partygoers a favor by realizing that you can’t go eight hours without a cigarette. People in nicotine withdrawal are not good company, nor should they be entrusted with the care of the elderly.) One doesn’t often go to David Sedaris for etiquette advice, but these lines from When You Are Engulfed in Flames are applicable: “I may have been a Boy Scout for only two years, but the motto stuck with me forever: ‘Be Prepared.’ This does not mean ‘Be Prepared to Ask People for [Stuff]’; it means ‘Think Ahead, and Plan Accordingly, Especially in Regard to Your Vices.’ ” You are obviously considerate, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me. And you are obviously fastidious, otherwise you would have used some contractions in said writing.
I’m sure I will get the usual letters from people outraged that I am suggesting a smoker is a person, and potentially even a good one, as opposed to a polluting blot on the environment. (Whenever I suggest being polite to overweight people, Muslims, or smokers, I get angry mail.) Militant anti-smokers fail to realize that their arguments are no match for the biology of a person’s addiction. We nonsmokers should realize that smokers, whatever their fumigant faults, have loved ones, complicated childhoods, hidden talents, trains to catch, kids to chauffeur. Just like us.
My sister-in-law’s family practices very traditional etiquette and believes that no dishes should be cleared from a table until everyone has finished. But at most restaurants, busboys clear empty plates almost immediately. My relatives’ annoyance creates a stressful situation where I feel compelled to look out for every busboy to avoid an unpleasant exchange. Am I wrong to expect them to accept that times have changed?
A.L. / Brooklyn, New York
