Calling it quits

Miss Conduct

Is a hurtful friend worth keeping? Plus, an unusual wedding reception and unwelcome lessons.

June 05, 2011|By Robin Abrahams

Throughout college, I had an eating disorder. Recovery was one of the most difficult things I’ve gone through. I have told only two people, one of whom (“Sara”) is constantly dieting and exercising. I asked her not to talk about it, but she asks me for tips, asks me to track her weight, asks me my weight, asks if she looks thinner, makes jokes about “catching” anorexia, and has mentioned my past problem in front of others. How do I get her to stop? I’m not as assertive as I’d like to be.

D.K. / Brookline

Sara is not your friend. You need to cut her out of your life. You’ve made your experience and boundaries clear, and she’s chosen to exploit the former and violate the latter. Repeatedly. If you feel you must, have another conversation with her and give her one more chance. But that’s it. You don’t have to be angry or accusing, just calm and implacable: “Sara, I care about you, but you continue to talk about my weight and my past in ways I’ve asked you not to. I have to put my own well-being first, and that means that I can’t spend time with someone who behaves this way.” (This phrasing is designed to give Sara minimum room for dramatic interpretation. You want to say “in ways I’ve asked you not to” rather than “disrespectfully,” because the Saras of this world will find a way to argue with “disrespectfully.” And say “spend time with” rather than “be friends with,” because it is a statement about objective behavior.) Then stick to your decision. You say you aren’t assertive, as though assertiveness were an innate and unchangeable quality. It isn’t. Assertive is something you can learn to be. You act the part until, one day, it becomes a natural aspect of who you are. You’ve done harder things, D.K. You can do this.

Is it ever OK to charge guests for their dinners at a wedding reception? My brother and his new wife “hosted” their reception at a restaurant. As the guests began ordering, the waiters asked if we wanted separate checks. Afterward the tabs were passed out. Our family was flabbergasted. This arrangment was not made clear on the invitation.

M.L. / Bedford