Q.I’m a twice-divorced father in his late 40s. Meeting new people has never been easy for me, and now that I’m older it feels impossible.
I don’t like being alone so much. I feel like I lose touch somehow. I’d love to meet someone with whom I really “connect,’’ whatever that means. However, all the dating websites seem so one-dimensional. I can’t discern any spark or attraction from a coyly smiling face, quarter turned, and a caption that reads “Searching for my soul mate.’’
Enter the first ex-wife. When it was good, it was great, but when it was bad …
She reasons that it was the lack of maturity that brought about our demise more than 15 years back and that, in retrospect, “we were made for each other.’’ I see that she doesn’t want to be alone; she’s currently seeking her second divorce. Neither do I, but I’m finding it difficult to reconcile what went wrong in the past with the here and now.
Is a rekindling reasonable or simply a reach for a past that no longer exists? Is there a someone for whom we were “made’’?
ALONE IN BOSTON
A.I don’t think we’re made for anyone in particular. But I do think that some of our exes wouldn’t be exes if we had met them at a later age, after we had matured and learned about ourselves. I do think that now-single, self-aware exes have a lot to offer us if we meet up with them again later in life.
Of course, I can’t tell if you’re really interested in your ex or if she’s just a possible diversion from the loneliness. Are you still attracted to her? Do you like being around her? Does she make sense for you in the present? My guess is that you don’t know. For that reason, my advice is to go out to dinner with her. As friends. Friends with potential. See how it feels. Remember that those past mistakes are now almost two decades old. Assuming that the relationship wasn’t abusive, there’s no harm in having dinner.
Just be clear about your intentions. Let her know that for now it’s just dinner. You want to reconnect without great expectations. Call her out on the fact that she’s just as confused as you are.
If it becomes clear that she’s just a friend, you might want to consider some of those dating websites. I know that the one-dimensional profiles are weird, but in person some of those people might make you smile. Those online women are like your ex-wife — big question marks that need to be taken to dinner.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
There is nothing wrong with reuniting with a past relationship. People grow and change. I would advise you to take it slow, with no expectations. Just see how it feels. See what happens. SUGARXO