Minding manners in the modern age

August 15, 2009|Chuck Leddy, Globe Correspondent

Besides having a doctorate in psychology and experience as a stand-up comedian, Cambridge resident Robin Abrahams writes the “Miss Conduct’’ column for The Boston Globe Magazine. In her entertaining, insightful modern etiquette guide, Abrahams asserts that recent changes in technology, the workplace, and society have made being polite more challenging than ever: “Everywhere, there is pressure to do more, do better, and look fantastic and youthful while you’re doing it. When our time, energy, and budgets are sapped by such demands, we quickly become too tired and cranky and stressed to be polite.’’

Social fragmentation is on the rise, Abrahams says, fostered by the mushrooming creation of microcommunities of like-minded individuals that can speak to each other (including virtual ones like those on social networking sites), but have a difficult time making connections with those outside the group. Abrahams bases her analysis on a foundation of recent social science research, citing numerous sources like Robert Putnam’s “Bowling Alone’’ and Juliet Schor’s “The Overspent American.’’

Abraham’s antidote for the deterioration of modern etiquette is elegantly simple, though not always easy to practice: Show respect for others, especially when their views differ from yours. Abrahams shows how this “golden rule’’ works in practice by focusing on seven difficult topics, including food, religion, pets, money, relationships, health, and children.

On the topic of food and dietary restrictions, Abrahams asks hosts to respect people who are vegetarian or kosher or lactose intolerant by offering food options that are inclusive. As a host, you should not “try to argue him out of his food rules, or insist that he ‘just try’ something,’’ Abrahams exhorts. Yet she also asks people with food restrictions to not act like their food choices are superior to those of omnivores: “Don’t act like you’re a better person because of your food rules - more spiritual, more ethical, more refined of palette.’’

Abrahams similarly calls for mutual respect on the topic of religion: “Treat (other) religious beliefs with respect,’’ she writes. But what if somebody insists on trying to convert you, and won’t stop bothering you? Here, Abrahams recommends a firm response: “If you’re dealing with a co-worker, tell him - with a preface that you know he is acting out of good will toward you - that you will consider any future attempts to be harassment and will document and report it to the management accordingly.’’