The apocalypse is upon us

June 20, 2009|Matthew Gilbert, Globe Staff

Duck! On so many levels, my friends, duck. There’s a fat chunk of TV debris hurtling toward you on ABC. Called “Impact,’’ it’s a two-part miniseries that has the potential to take four hours of your precious life and smash them to smithereens. An apocalypse would be a welcome relief from this wretched disaster knock-off, which premieres tomorrow night at 9 and concludes next Sunday at 9, on Channel 5.

So there’s this meteor shower, and one meteor hits the moon before the first commercial, and that causes a series of events - including electromagnetic surges and changes in the laws of gravity - that wreak havoc on the Earth. Oh, and by the way, the moon is actually moving closer and closer to us, which, you know, can’t be good. As one brilliant official exclaims, “What we are witnessing is unprecedented!!!’’ Or, as another official exclaims, “Mr. President, there’s been a development! It’s not over yet!’’

“Impact’’ tells its feeble, scientifically absurd story with a truly shameless dependency on cliches. Almost instantly, you’ll know who will fall in love, who will die, and who will have a psychological catharsis. You’ll be asked to fawn over a pair of heartbreakingly cute kids who lost their mother and talk about the man in the moon. And you’ll be subjected to awkward plot exposition about the disaster via urgent news reports on TV, sputtering experts, and oh-so-shocked politicians - the kind of stiff exposition that gives scripted TV a bad name.

David James Elliott from “JAG’’ is the leading man, a gentle scientist and widowed father of two who is always right. Natasha Henstridge is a scientist, too, and - what’s this? - she’s recently divorced. There’s no time better than a universal crisis to fall in love, that’s what I always say.

James Cromwell - Oscar nominee James Cromwell - is the kids’ eccentric grandfather, Steven Culp from “Desperate Housewives’’ is the dumbo president, and you - well, you have a decision to make. You’re either the extremely bored viewer watching the end of the world take forever. Or you’re the wise viewer who is taking advantage of better options on his cable queue.

Matthew Gilbert can be reached at gilbert@globe.com. For more on TV, visit boston.com/ae/tv/blog.