Looking for the perfect man has never been more painful

February 02, 2007|Wesley Morris, Globe Staff

The new romantic comedy "Because I Said So" has no flesh and no blood. It's made of sugar, spice, and lavender, less something you'd find at a movie theater and more what you'd order by the ounce at Teavana .

Diane Keaton plays Daphne Wilder , a long-divorced Los Angeles baker determined to pair off her daughter Milly (Mandy Moore), a caterer. She's the youngest of three daughters and the only one who's still unwed. Daphne places an epic online personal ad, then arranges for an ultra-yuppie architect (Tom Everett Scott ) to sweep Milly off her feet. Meanwhile, the musician/single dad (Gabriel Macht ) who expresses interest, pursues Milly despite mommy's objections. When the fudge hits the fan, mom justifies it all by explaining that she just loves her daughter too much not to lie to her and manipulate her into companionship.

I left this movie devastated. Not because it's one of the worst films ever made about having a mother, dating two men, or catering (although on all three fronts, it is). I was upset because my own mother apparently doesn't love me enough to connive dates for me, especially while wearing little sunglasses around the house and absurd layers of clothes always -- always -- topped off with a ginormous belt, the way Keaton does.

Feeling inadequately obsessed over, I called home and demanded an explanation: Why no sneaky setups with perfect men, mom? Why no anaconda-size belts, huh? "Because I'm not crazy," she said. "You can make your own matches." She went on to explain that she failed to see the need to lie if she ever did want to set me up, anyway.

Of course, deception is the only way to get this movie past the 60-minute mark. The script's various ruses require maximum stupidity on Milly's part. Even after the film displays a remedial obviousness in telling her (and us) which of these two men is worth keeping, she seems torn. In one scene with the yuppie, Milly breaks one of his family heirlooms, and he snaps at her. In the very next scene with the musician, she drops some dishes; he comforts her. But no light goes off in her head. Not only does this character not have a bulb, she's missing a socket, too. Moore does have one fantastic flash of positive self-realization, but this immensely lik able woman is required to be a nitwit.