A big wet kiss for the Simmons clan

August 07, 2006|Television Review, Joanna Weiss, Globe Staff

Stipulated: that, despite a rock-star persona and a tendency to talk about breasts, Gene Simmons loves his children, loves their mother, and is actually a down-to-earth family man.

If this doesn't come as a deep surprise then you're familiar with promote-yourself reality TV, in which extraordinary types declare that they're just like you and me, except with wireless mikes attached to their pants. Not all of these ventures work; ``Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" didn't do much to burnish a certain pop star's image. But in the case of, say, ``The Osbournes," the granddaddy of the form, a few months in the presence of a camera crew can lead to even greater fame. And this time, the rest of the family comes along.

``Gene Simmons Family Jewels," which premieres tonight at 10 on A&E, won't do anything to hurt the Simmons brood. The Kiss frontman may not be the model NPR guest, but here he seems like an affable guy. His longtime partner, former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed, seems intelligent enough. Their kids, Nick and Sophie -- unlike the Osbourne train wrecks -- look to be articulate and largely well behaved.

So we peek into their Beverly Hills mansion and watch them in a range of cute scenarios: a thwarted surprise party for Shannon, a band rehearsal for Nick, a jewelry-shopping expedition for Sophie and Gene. Along the way, we are expected to believe that Shannon vacuums, that Gene is taken without his knowledge to a fitness spa, and that Nick is unhappy with his father's intervention in his nascent rock career. Except not really unhappy, given all the love. These guys bicker telegenically, with script-worthy one-liners, and always wind up laughing in the end.

Indeed, there's not a lot of tension here, given that Dad has a limitless budget, a self-deprecating sense of humor, and an even greater sense of control. Unlike Ozzy, who always seemed foggy and steamrolled -- we all knew Sharon was the brains of the outfit -- Gene is sober and whip-sharp. The guy is a marketing mogul, after all, and he happens to be an executive producer of the show, which plays out like an extended Simmons family publicity tour.

Nick, after all, has his rock band. Shannon is coming out with a book. Sophie is only 14, but her A&E bio says she likes to act. Give her time. Get her an agent.

In truth, I wish all of them well, along with their careers; they seem affectionate and fun-loving and, despite their vast wealth, fairly grounded. I like watching the snippets of home video: Sophie and Nick as babies, toddling around at Kiss rehearsals and cavorting with their dad in Kiss demon makeup.

The trouble is, I feel like I've been to this house before. And by the third episode, I was ready to spend time with somebody a little less rich and a little less happy. Paging Anna Nicole?

Joanna Weiss can be reached at weiss@globe.com.