Painful season eats at Schilling

September 27, 2005|Globe Staff

Curt Schilling is in pain, the worst of his 20 years in professional baseball. He hurts inside, as do his wife, Shonda, and their children who are old enough to sense his anguish.

Less than a year after Schilling risked his career to help the Red Sox capture their first world championship in 86 years, he is plagued by the guilt and despair of failing to fulfill the expectations of his fans and teammates. It also hurts that at least one teammate has suggested that Schilling has unfairly escaped the public wrath that other Sox players have endured for their disappointing performances.

''Purely on a professional level, this year has been by far the hardest for me of my career," Schilling said. ''It has been very, very painful."

All the glory of last fall has not blunted the repercussions of a new season in which the Sox have gone from ''cowboys" and ''idiots" to injury-ravaged survivalists. After leading the major leagues last year with 24 victories, including three in the postseason, Schilling has been largely ineffective in coming back from complicated surgery to repair multiple ailments in his ankle. And he has spent much of the season trying to mask his sense of failure and futility.

''My heart is hurting because he's not the same person and I don't know how to help him," Shonda Schilling said yesterday from the family's home in Medfield. ''I don't ever remember feeling as happy for him as I feel badly for him now. It's a horrible feeling."

In his bleakest hour, Schilling indicated, he has imagined a better life after baseball. That moment came after a teammate, whom he declined to identify, complained that Schilling should have received more grief than he has from fans for underachieving. Schilling was stung.

''Somebody on this team wants me to get booed to make them feel better, and that really bothers me a lot," said Schilling, 38, who hopes to pitch two more years. ''Those are the kinds of things that really make me look at this game and understand that when I'm done in the game, I'll be done with the game."

Schilling said he suspected the same teammate gave an anonymous quote to the Herald last week in which he aired a similar gripe. Citing the lack of a public backlash against Schilling for his subpar season -- the Sox ace is 7-8 with a 5.89 ERA -- the player was quoted as saying, ''When he comes into the game, people cheer him like he's the Pope? You think they'd let Pedro [Martinez] get away with this? Why does he get a free pass?"

Schilling made no secret of his anger at the criticism, even if it came, as he suggested, from ''somebody who's not wired right."

''As much time as we spend together, you think you know someone," he said. ''But more times than not you find you really don't."