Nearly unwatchable, 3-D 'Adventures' falls flat

''The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D" proudly upholds this tradition.

The latest project from Robert Rodriguez, creator of the ''Spy Kids" franchise when he's not sawing people's limbs off in ''Sin City," ''Adventures" sounds like a grand old time -- a hip fusion of Nickelodeon attitude, the wittier children's books, and retro kitsch culture. In fact, it's a nearly unwatchable combination of the worst elements of all three. One could forgive a budget this threadbare, performances this amateurish, a plot this tortuous if the 3-D effects passed the cool test. Sadly, watching ''Adventures" is an experience akin to seeing the world through dung-colored glasses.

It begins promisingly enough, with a dark, funny Tim Burton-esque prelude outlining the origins of Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner), a marine biologist's son who's taken in by sharks and who eventually grows fins and jagged teeth of his own. The 3-D effects click here because the shots are clean and spacious, but too quickly we're back in two-dimensional land, in the classroom of spacey young Max (Cayden Boyd), who has dreamed up Sharkboy and his superhero partner Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley).

Max is ordered to stick to reality by his teacher, Mr. Electricidad (comedian George Lopez) and bullied by nasty Linus (Jacob Davich), who swipes and defaces his dream journal. His parents (David Arquette and Kristin Davis) are on the verge of divorce, since Dad's a hapless dreamer, too. Then Sharkboy and Lavagirl drop into the classroom to whisk Max away to their home on Planet Drool, which is endangered by a black cloud of Reason, or Un-Dreaming, or something. Back on go the red and blue cardboard glasses as Max and his friends battle Mr. Electricity (Lopez again, his face CGI'ed onto a Reddy Kilowatt body) and try to cross the Sea of Confusion and the Stream of Consciousness on the Train of Thought. Their goal: the Dream Lair.