More mindful, less guilt-ridden parenting

"Who should I be, now that I'm a mother?" is the question Fox poses. In answering, she describes her journey from single, footloose 20-something to middle-aged married mother of two. The fantasy of marriage she had when single bears little resemblance to her current married-with-kids reality. There are no romantic meals eaten in a pristine house, with a view of the ocean, while a calm, self-possessed 4-year-old quietly clinks Legos somewhere far, far in the background. Her home in Austin is a mess, featuring a "panoply of toys . . . dirty socks . . . junk mail, mangled sippy cups with no lids." And her two boys are hardly passive spectators. How is it possible that she got things so horribly wrong? More to the point, is the disparity between reality and fantasy somehow her fault?

This book examines guilt, specifically the guilt mothers feel. Fox argues it is brought on by external and internalized cultural pressure. Guilt seeps in as soon as pregnancy is confirmed, driven by the tone of self-help pregnancy guides. These books offer the newly vulnerable mother-to-be guidelines on sleep patterns and general physical care. After all, you're eating, sleeping, and pretty much living for two. According to Fox, this whips women into a state of constant anxiety, causing them to indulge in "deeper and deeper, or more trivial and more trivial, levels of self-scrutiny." She terms these guides "evil," the bar they set impossibly high. Yet Fox is even harsher -- in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way -- on herself: "Quick, someone lock me up -- I'm drinking herbal tea! Haul me off for child abuse!"

For Fox, pregnancy is only the beginning of the ride on the guilt train. When her second son is whisked away from her at birth, she tortures herself, thinking she's missed a crucial chance at connection. Perhaps this is why he seems to prefer her husband. And guilt is in the air when she walks home from the library, carrying a stack of books. Passing a mother watching her two young children, Fox castigates herself for taking time off to work, and leaving her own brood in the care of a baby-sitter.